Most of the articles about the preliminary phase are written some weeks or months after they happened or are merged from my diary to ensure you won’t get bored with all the details. This blog is taken straight from my diary in November 2016:
37 years old. I recently fell in love with a wonderful man, who is in the middle of recovering from a burnout. Not a good recipe for a relationship I can tell you. So I am single again… and the clock is ticking. I always said I wanted to have the choice to have kids, I didn’t have the irresistible urge to become a mom. So I thought….
This choice, in my eyes, would surface when Mr. Right came along. But I can count the number of times I have really fallen in love, on the fingers of my one hand. If it continues to go on like this, I can expect to fall in love again at age 42, which might actually still be an age to have kids. But I don’t want that, I don’t want to be “old” when my kid starts studying, I want to be able to catch my breath running around together. I want to be someone who understands what this ever changing world of my kid looks like, so we can talk about it, face things together.
So this “choice” I was speaking about, is starting to shift now. A friend of mine assures me that I can do it alone, so ever since she suggested it, these thoughts are running around in my head. Do I want that? Do I really want to raise a child on my own? So with everything I do, I imagine doing it with a kid, with the “hassles” of a kid. How does it feel?
I used to party a lot, stay up late, drink a lot, do the occasional sleepover. That is something, I realise, that is behind me, I don’t feel the need any more to go out and dance until the sun comes up. I love reading a book all day, go on long walks, be sporty, work in my garden and wine & dine with friends. So my life is more suitable to raise a kid, that’s for sure.
But why is it that I suddenly want to have a child of my own, while I never felt it that strong? Is it that next project that I am looking for?: I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, remodelled my house, kept a blog for years, shuffled my whole garden. Next one is a child? Or did I always suppress my desire as there was never a suitable man in the picture? I need to figure that out. So I start writing, finding words for what goes on in my head, trying to understand what happens, and to decide what to do. Am I a single mommy to be?
Single mommy 